The Power of Needs: Understanding What Drives Us in Relationships

alexabaliskimft
Aug 31, 2022
3 min read

Updated: Jan 14

The unconscious mind is a remarkable force, quietly guiding our emotions and thoughts to help us navigate our environment. Beneath the surface of our everyday actions lie our needs—the deep-rooted drivers of human behavior.

It’s from this place that our needs emerge, shaping how we respond to the world around us. Every decision, action, or reaction often traces back to an unmet or fulfilled need.

What Drives Us?

Have you ever wondered what truly motivates the people in your life?
- What drives your mom to act the way she does?
- Why does your boss react so strongly to certain situations?
- What’s beneath your spouse’s actions, even the ones that frustrate you?

The answer lies in the universal human needs we all share. These needs—like connection, understanding, respect, and safety—are what neuroscientists and psychologists often refer to as our "life force." They propel us forward, influencing our emotions, behaviors, and relationships.

Research into the brain’s chemistry backs this up. Experts like Larry C. Rosen have studied how neurotransmitters like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin play essential roles in shaping our need-driven behavior. When these needs are unmet, they can create emotional turbulence that spills into our relationships.

Needs and Relationship Hurts

Unmet needs are often the hidden roots of relational pain. When someone acts out, it’s rarely just about the behavior—it’s about the need behind the behavior.

Take this example:
Someone might say or do something hurtful, not because they want to harm you, but because they desperately want to be understood. Their actions may carry the message:
- “I did this to show you what it feels like to experience pain, betrayal, confusion, or disrespect.”*
- Underneath, what they’re really saying is: “Do you see me now? Do you understand my pain?”

Even in moments of conflict, the need for connection is often at the core. Hurtful actions can be misguided attempts to bridge the gap between feeling unseen and being understood.

Using Needs as a Guide

When we understand that unmet needs drive behavior, we can begin to approach conflict with compassion rather than judgment. Needs become a guidepost—revealing hidden motivations and unspoken truths.

This doesn’t mean condoning hurtful behavior. Understanding is not the same as excusing. Instead, it’s about:
1. Identifying the need behind the action.
2. Naming the emotion or desire that’s surfacing.
3. Meeting the need in a healthier, more constructive way.

For example, in a divorce mediation shared in a powerful Ted Talk, one party’s anger and hurt were unpacked to reveal an underlying need for acknowledgment and respect. Once that need was named and addressed, the pathway to resolution became clearer.

The Path to Solutions

Solutions in relationships don’t come from blame or defense. They come from understanding. When we take the time to explore the needs beneath behaviors—both ours and others’—we create space for healing, connection, and growth.

Ask yourself:
- What unmet need might be driving my reaction right now?
- What need might my partner, friend, or colleague be trying to express?

By recognizing these needs, we can meet them in ways that nurture our relationships rather than fracture them.

Understanding Needs = Understanding People

At the heart of every action lies a need—a longing for connection, understanding, respect, or safety. When we learn to see through this lens, our relationships transform. We move from reacting to responding, from judgment to compassion, and from conflict to clarity.

The question isn’t *why* someone is acting a certain way. The question is, *what need are they trying to meet?*

When you start looking for the need behind the behavior, you’ll find a whole new world of connection waiting to be discovered.