What If I’m the Problem? Understanding Narcissistic Tendencies (and How to Practice Healthier Communication)

If you’ve ever googled “Am I a narcissist?”—take a breath. You’re not alone.

It’s one of the most common fears I hear in therapy, especially from thoughtful, self-aware people.

The truth is: we all have narcissistic tendencies. Every single one of us. And in small doses, they’re not pathological—they’re human. We’re wired to care about how we’re perceived, protect our ego, and want to feel important to the people around us.

Where it becomes a problem is when those protective patterns become our default—when our need to be seen, validated, or in control starts running the show.

Let’s talk about what narcissism actually is, why it exists on a spectrum, and what healthy communication patterns look like in practice—because the antidote to narcissistic tendencies isn’t shame or self-diagnosing, it’s building skills that keep you grounded, connected, and emotionally safe to be around.

The Spectrum of Narcissism (Yes, You’re On It)

Narcissism gets a bad rap—and rightfully so when we’re talking about extreme cases. But the term has been thrown around so much that most people don’t realize narcissistic traits exist on a sliding scale.

On one end, it’s basic self-protection:

• Defensiveness when criticized

• Wanting to be liked

• Telling a story that paints you in a good light

On the other end, it turns pathological:

• Exploiting others for your gain

• Lack of empathy

• Grandiosity, entitlement, manipulation

Most people hover somewhere in the middle, especially when they’re stressed, triggered, or feeling insecure.

The real danger? We become blind to when our patterns—designed to protect us—start harming the people we love. And because narcissistic defenses are often subtle (interrupting, dismissing, needing to be “right”), we rarely see ourselves doing it.

The Heart of Narcissistic Tendencies: Avoiding Shame

At its core, narcissistic behavior is a way to protect ourselves from shame.

• If being wrong feels unbearable, we attack or withdraw.

• If vulnerability feels dangerous, we control or perform.

• If feeling insignificant is terrifying, we manipulate for attention or approval.

None of this makes you a bad person. It makes you a human trying to protect yourself the best way you know how.

The work isn’t about erasing these instincts—it’s about building better, healthier patterns that keep you connected and safe.

What Does a Healthy Personality Practice Instead?

Here’s the good news: you don’t need to be perfectly selfless or never mess up. You just need to practice patterns that create emotional safety for yourself and others.

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

1. Pause, Feel, Then Respond

Instead of reacting defensively, practice naming what you feel before speaking.

Example: “I notice I’m feeling attacked right now, but I want to understand your perspective.”

This small shift builds emotional tolerance—and stops the cycle of defensiveness.

2. Get Curious About Impact

Healthy people regularly ask:

• “How did that land for you?”

• “Did I come off the way I intended?”

You stop needing to be perceived a certain way and start caring about how you show up.

3. Repair > Defend

If someone tells you you hurt them, the goal isn’t to defend your intent—it’s to repair the impact.

Example: “That wasn’t my intention, but I hear how that felt. I can do better.”

4. Build Self-Worth Through Action, Not Image

Practice feeling good about how you handle things, not just how you’re perceived.

Self-esteem grows when you know you show up well—even when no one’s clapping.

5. Mutuality, Always

Check yourself in relationships:

• Am I making space for the other person’s feelings?

• Am I listening to understand or listening to respond?

• Do I give and receive—or is this about getting what I want?

What Healthy People Believe (And Practice)

• “I can survive being wrong.”

• “People are allowed to experience me differently than I experience myself.”

• “I am responsible for my impact, not their perception.”

• “I can sit with discomfort instead of controlling the situation.”

Final Thoughts: It’s Not About Perfection

You don’t need to be perfect to be emotionally healthy. You just need to be willing to check yourself, repair when necessary, and practice staying connected even when it’s uncomfortable.

The next time you wonder, “Am I narcissistic?”—flip the question:

“What patterns am I practicing that build safety and connection?”

That’s the real work—and it’s always within your control.

If you’re curious about what healthy communication looks like, stay tuned—next week, I’m sharing real-world scripts you can start using to strengthen your relationships (without losing yourself).